My mom told me she heard an update on how my Aunt is (not really my Aunt, my mom's best friend but she's like family).
I guess she's got full blown Alzheimers now. She doesn't remember anyone.
I think about her almost every day. Family gatherings aren't the same without her.
We don't even really know where she's at to even go visit her. My Aunt is only in her early 50's. She spent her life pretty much taking care of her mother and keeping her mother out of a retirement home. Now she's in one and will spend the rest of her life there.

I can't sleep.
I am really bummed out about my aunt.
Yet, I feel like I have no right to be bummed out for some reason. Like "who am I to feel this way" when she's not actually family. I dunno.
Who'd have thunk that when I had her sponsor me for my confirmation that things would have turned out this way huh.
I have a lifetime of memories with her that  I don't even know if she can remember. That makes me really sad. I just can't believe how unfair shit is. My aunt pretty much sacrificed her life for her mother so her mother didn't EVER have to be in a home. Now she will be in one for the rest of her life. It was cus of gram she never really dated or got married. Gram made her feel guilty. I mean I loved gram as much as my real grandmothers but in respect to my aunt living her own life and doing her own thing. It did not happen. Gram pulled guilt trips on her when she did go out and hang with friends and do stuff without her. Her life was work and Gram. That was it. She would work 12hrs a day and lots of times she'd work weekends saturday AND sunday so she wouldn't have to come home. She was on salary she never got paid for all her years of overtime. I worked in the offie with her for awhile and she would be doing at least 4 head of departments jobs as well as her own with people lined up outside her office to ask her questions (not their boss but HER).
It's all just so unfair. I realize life isn't fair but where is all the good karma that she should have for doing everything for Gram and really nothing for herself.
Then I see people who have kids who have had relationships who can have relationships sit and have pity parties cus of this or that when here my aunt has had none of that who lived her life for other people and never really for herself now at 51 years old is sitting in an old folks assisted living community staring into space with her mind drifting more and more away from her each day.
It makes me realize more and more that shit can happen so quickly and everything is different. How much  I take for granted everyday. How much I should be living my life even more than I do. That if you are alive no matter what obstical you have the chance to overcome it and that those chances may not be around forever. To sieze them with both hands.

My mom did point out something I didn't even think of. When we visited her she wasn't wearing her glasses. I mean she's worn contacts for so many years that i forget she even wears glasses but I doubt this home is putting her contacts in her eyes for her. So she might not have been able to see all that clearly which could be why she didn't recognize me. I think I remember seeing her glasses on her dresser. It was dark in her room when we went in so I could be mistaken.

Ok i went to visit my aunt.
It was not good. She didn't remember me. She remembered my mom. She studied my mom for a few seconds and then said her name. She remembered my aunt that we were there visiting with for a second too but that was a little bit after we got there.

I cried when we were at the home cus i just couldn't believe how bad she is. She of course can't hold a conversation. She repeats what's said to her.
She answers some questions with a yes or a no but who knows if you are getting the right answer.

She looks terrible.
I feel guilty for not going to see her sooner but I partially did not want to go cus THIS is not what i wanted to see.
The place she is in is beautiful. It's huge. it looks like a  victorian style house but ti's huge it's 3 floors and different wings. Lots of couches and chairs all over for people to sit. My aunt is in a room with another lady it's not a bad room she's got her bed her dresser her tv she's got a cabinet with some of her elephants from home in it (not all cus that cabinet was FILLED believe me i know i packed it when she had moved from her one house).

I am sad but i am also angry. Angry that her family didn't step in when we were calling them to tell them that Auntie Donna was not right. That something was wrong. They acted as if we were the insane ones dodging our calls for them to do SOMETHING... anything.
I want to email her cousins and tell them off email her one friend that said she was going to get better cus she was taking medication and say SEE we TOLD you it wasn't going to get better, yet you ignored us and didn't do SHIT to help out.
They effectively turned my aunt against my mom for trying to help, which lead to my mom having hurt feelings and washing her hands of things which is why we haven't been to visit til now. I have been very guilty about not going. I really have and after seeing her like she is I am feeling even more guilty. BUT my mom and aunt even feel guilty too.

I am going to make a collage for her, With pics of our family for her. She's got a few collages by her door. they have picture collages of the residents at each of their doors. There were a few pics in her collage of my mom and one of my aunts I was shocked her cousins would add pics of my family since I think her cousins really don't like my mom or my aunts very much. Since THEY are blood family while we were always more involved in her life than they were.

We will be going back to visit her. It'll be hard but it's something we need to do. I mean she has no idea we are really there.
But I don't want her to be alone ya know. It makes me sad to think of her all alone in that place no matter how nice it is. She's still all alone.

the place she's at

well my movie date for this afternoon was rescheduled soooo we are going to the movies tomorrow night. last show of the night. I honestly hate going to movies with a packed theater. I used to love it but with people not turning off cellphones and texting during the movie i'd rather it be empty so i can enjoy the movie.
We are going to see the new sam jackson movie.

in other news... my mom aunt and i are going to see my aunt donna tomorrow. I wonder how this assisted living place is. I guess i'll find out.
I am kinda nervous about going. Will she remember me?? what will she say?? it's just gonna be weird.
I've never dealt with someone who had dementia or Alzheimer b4 so i am kinda freakin out here

well it looks like visiting my aunt is postponed my aunt( mom's sister) got stuck in Wisconsin and she was gonna go with us too so we are rescheduling for next week
I did tell mom about printing her out a few pics from the wedding and stuff and she said it was a good idea.

Ok anyone who read my "dear santa" post knows about my aunt with dementia. well she's techincally not my aunt she's been my mom's best friend since they were little kids. So she's more adopted family than blood BUT not considered any less family.( ... )

Dear Santa,
it's been many years since i have written to you. But this year after losing my job (I was taking care of an elderly man during the day, but he passed away), I haven't really found anything. So now it is christmas and i know that it's not material things that count but buying things for the people i love to make them smile would be nice. And with my car being broken I can't afford to fix that either. So all i really want this year is a new job.

I would also like my aunt that was diagnosed with dementia (she's only 50 years old) to be whole and well again. We've noticed changes in her for the past 5 years but it was just recently diagnosed last year that she has dementia, and in the past year she has just been deteriorating faster and faster. I miss her smiling and laughing and telling stories, she never does that anymore she has enough trouble keeping up with listening to conversations going on around her. She has even more trouble putting sentences together when you ask her questions. She's a different person now, she's turned into a mean person and i miss the person i have loved all my life. I know there is no cure and it's only a matter of time b4 she doesn't remember any of the family, but she is too young for this to be happening to her. Even if she can't be well again can we have just one last christmas with her like she was so we could at least know it was the last one that she may remember we'd make it her best christmas ever.

Thanks so much Santa.
Love,
Angela

Ok the past couple days i have helped out with grandma again.

then tonight i went to my aunt's house to help her pack for her move. my mom my other aunt and my cousin were there packing stuff and moving boxes to the garage. we got a lot done.

but next week we will probably be going back to help pack again. (my aunt has a ton of stuff in her house) and since she wasn't there the whole time we were packing for her she didnt throw anything away. so we are just dumping papers and stupid stuff that probably doesn't need to be packed and moved into boxes cus she wasn't there to go thru it.

ugh and the coutdown til my cousin comes to stay here with us is getting shorter. i have to pick her up from the airport on monday. her flight comes in at 8:30am (if it's on time anyway) I talked to my aunt in fla and she said mycousin is starting to look foarward to this trip. saying that it will probably do her some good to get away for awhile.