been thinking about this for a couple days... and I felt maybe if i wrote about it i might feel better??? I dunno.
I guess my aunts mom and uncle are supposed to be getting together to talk about what is going to happen with my grandfather (if you can call someone who's barely bee in my life grandfather but i guess by blood that's what he is)
He currently lives in FLA but last summer they had picked him up and he spent the summer up here being rotated from house to house (ok just a couple houses since not everyone currently has a relationship with him *namely mine and my aunt laura*) this year was the same my one aunt and uncle flew down and picked him up and flew back and he's been here all summer. From what I understand they really don't want him living alone. I mean the man is going blind due to macular degeneration.

Now the question is who will take him. I can tell ya right now my mother won't. I know my auntie laura won't either.
From what I heard there are only a few that i guess have even had this summer. He likes to stay at my one aunt's cus she has little kids and he can play grandpa. (ok still am bitter about that i mean i was a little kid and he didn't want to be MY grandpa so yea thanks gramps i appreciate it)

I am still very bitter about him now being back and being at things. i have not talked to him. He's been at 3 things this summer that I was at. My cousin Helen's graduation party. I walked past him and didn't even say hello. He was at my dad's birthday party and I didn't say anything to him there either. He was at my cousin Jason's wedding and I didn't talk to him there either.
Ok maybe it's a tad childish for me just to not talk to him or even say hello... but I guess I don't because I may open my mouth and say something and be rude to him. So i would rather not say anything rather than start trouble and take the focus away from what we are celebrating. I am not shy about telling people how i feel generally so I guess it is soo much better than starting crap.

I know i have written before about my feelings in this situation but i am sorry i am still bothered by the whole thing.
I just don't understand how someone who had grandchildren could just cut them out of his life like that. I mean my brothers and i and a few cousins (that were around when drama went down) were little kids. why would you not want to see us grow up. I just don't understand what kind of person would do that. ok I don't know HIS side but from what i understand he blames my mother for starting stuff when it was his "wife"(my mom said no one is sure if he and Isabel were ever really married or not so i will use quotes for her) doing things and send letters to my mom and my aunts.
I am curious to read these letters. My mom has them or at least copies of the originals.

It's just hard for me to believe that a man could be so pussy whipped that he would put her over his own children and grandchildren. it's just mind boggling. I mean I have dated men with children. His kids always come first. I would never expect any different. one of my ex's was pushing me to meet his kids and i kept saying no, that since we didn't know where our relationship was going I didn't want to get attached to his kids and vice versa, I thought that it would be unfair to them if something (and well it eventually did happen) but I was glad that I had not met the kids even though I did really want to.

I guess that knowing kinda that he will be up here and will be around and possibly in my life it bothers me.
I dont feel sorry for him that he's all alone in florida. He's made his bed now he has to deal with the consequences of his choices.
ok my other grandpa my dad's dad... he and i don't always get along but ya know if he needed something or whatever I'd be there in a heartbeat for him. Believe me it's not that i hate old people or anything lol cus that is so not the case. I grew up having ONE grandfather. I knew my other grandfather had turned his back on us. when we were kids and after my mom said she was done dealing with him and his "wife" she told us kids if we wanted to see him my dad would take us whenever we wanted to go. We did try that a few times for halloweens and stuff especially since my grandpa lived like 3 blocks away (yes he lived walking distance from me). Those stopped because it was obvious he really didn't want us there.
I guess what bothers me most is the feeling that he didn't care or even make some effort to stay in contact with us. He would come or drop off a gift if he was invited to something but it was never him initiating any kind of contact. No birthday cards or Christmas cards... nothing. I thought well maybe since my birthday is the day after his just maybe this year i'd get a card from him or something a phone call even. I was his first grandchild.. granted at the time of the drama there were not many of us but I always kinda thought that the first was maybe a little more special or something. Now he's got 22 grandkids and he's got 3 great grandkids now. I am not sure he's seen Evan. I asked my brother if he had brought even over to him at my dad's birthday party and my brother was like "no why" I don't even know if my brother has talked to him really. I guess he kinda feels the way i do in some respect.
My other brother i think has talked to my grandpa. But then I was the one who heard about all the stuff going on with him from a young age. I would sit and listen to the adults talk. I was also present at drama that had happened between my aunt who was babysitting my brother and I at the time and my grandpa. I haven't forgotten that. yes some details may have gotten fuzzy but i remember being afraid of him and being at the neighbors house and him screaming at the door my mom had to come and pick us all up.

I dunno i guess if i heard that he was taking responsibility for some of his actions and choices maybe i would be receptive to having a relationship but from what I've heard he made some crack last year about my mother starting trouble... and honestly she had done nothing at all.
I just can't be a part of his "woe is me I am old my "wife" is dead and now I have no one" pity party
I think if i saw him playing grandpa to my younger cousins i would be sick. cus yes i am still that bitter and yea i know i am bitter no one has to tell me that. cus it bugs the fuck out of me. they don't know anything of the past and he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his choices looking into their eyes.. ok granted the man is going blind and can't really look into their eyes but ya know what i mean lol

ok I think i am done ranting hopefully some of it made sense to someone besides me.

my cousin had her Graduation/birthday party at their lake house yesterday.
that was ... um well an event to put it mildly.
The day started out well we got there at like 3:30 maybe. left later than we wanted but oh well.
When we got there Helen, Chloe, and Emma were on the golfcart and wanted me to go with them. We had literally just pulled up and I wanted to say hello to everyone. So they left and I didn't see them for a long time. I went swimming in the lake. Hung out with my cousin Bryon and his girlfriend Allyson. on this huge raft thing my aunt bought.
Of course we ate. Heard it was going to rain... I was on the phone with a friend and he said that it wouldn't reach us for a couple hours or so so my cousin Caroline and I went back in the water for awhile.
I got out maybe 20 mins before it started to rain. I was sitting on the dock with Bryon, Caroline, and Allyson talking and we felt drops. We ended up going to sit on the boat. Sat out there for a loooong time took some great pics of the sunsetting.
There was some drama won't get into in this post... BUT I am sure I will throw a friends only post in and talk about it.
My Mom's dad was there (no this wasn't cause for the drama) but I didn't talk to him. Honestly I had planned on calling him Mr.M(fill in the rest of his last name) instead of calling him grandpa.
But he didn't say anything to me and I didn't say anything to him. I walked past him quite a few times.

The pic here was taken from the deck. my aunt's dock is the one on the right with the lights on it.

ok i sit here watching some cycling thing on the olympics ( I told ya i was addicted) I am like gonna be devastated when these damn games are over.

I am listening to music right now trying to be creative and make some tribute vid... ANY tribute vid. Nothing is coming to me. I am feeling very uncreative right now. Which sucks. I go thru spurts. One min i have all these ideas the next i got nothing for days.

I didn't go to the party on saturday i was feeling under the weather. My parents did go and i guess b4 my mom left my brother was talking to my grandpa and he got my mom she said she talked to him for like 5 mins but he did ask about me. I am shocked. Could have knocked me over with a feather when she told me that one. I guess he had mentioned that he would have never recognized Michael (my brother) she said she was thinking that well he hasn't seen him since he was litlte so go figure huh.

I know he's gonna be here for a few more weeks. I am sure one of my aunts will have some sort of gathering b4 he leaves or something. If they do i know i won't be able to get out of that one. Honestly I have really no desire to see him at all.
Is it horrible to say that? I mean I don't have any feelings really towards the man. I don't even know him. I guess i have SOME feelings towards him.. bitterness. For the years he chose poontang over his family. That was his bed and he has to lay in it. I just don't like hearing how he's playing the "doting grandpa" cus that's just a bunch of bullshit. I mean fuck call a spade a spade and he hasn't been in our lives for years now he's gonna play grandpa I don't think so. Maybe with the little ones it's easier cus they are little and dont know any history of anything.
I know a few of my cousins are talking about forgiveness but i just can't. I'm sorry. There is to much shit that i know and remember about that time. I just can't say let bygones be bygones. Iv'e said it b4 maybe if he expressed some regret and was truly sory about missing so much of our lives MAYBE i could possibly talk to him. It would be nothing like a normal grandfather/grandaughter thing cus he hasn't earned that.
A grandpa is someone who wants to see you and be with you and spend time with you. who knows something about you. The man couldn't even tell ya what my fave color is. If i am right handed or left handed. Maybe he knows my eye color but who knows at this point. Maybe he couldn't even pick me out of a line up. I mean he's going blind i don't know what he can see or not he has macular degeneration (it runs in the family my uncle my mom's brother was diagnosed a year or so ago).
I know i have posted quite a bit lately about him and my bitterness but i can't help it. Having this blog, this outlet for my feelings kinda helps me work them a bit. I mean they aren't changing that's for sure. But it helps to process my feelings a little more.
I hope my mom lets me read those letters his "wife" sent my aunts and mom I hear they are doozies. They would send everyone into a tailspin and get everyone all upset. I've been curious about them for years. My mom said she kept them I never thought she would... BUT i really would LOOOOVE to read them.

Ok i went to do something and lost my train of thought.... so i will be ending this post. Have a great week everyone. I may post a voice post this week. I haven't done that in awhile.

dude i have been watching sports like non stop... i don't even LIKE sports lol i found myself watching basketball this morning USA against Greece. I was thinking some of the Greek boys were pretty cute.
I watched a bit of the kayaking the other day.
I've been watching more and more volleyball (beach and regular)
Generally during the olympics i stick to gymnastics diving and swimming SOMETIMES track and field stuff but not all that often.
what the hell will i do when this is all over? lol
after our power outage a couple weeks ago my tv has been screwed up which kinda pisses me off since its not all that old.
not much i can do about it though not enough cash to buy a new one. I guess if it goes completely out i think we have an extra one floating around here somewhere. it's smaller than mine but then it's a LCD panel while mine is a 20 inch flat screen but it's a componant so it's HUGE.
there is this like 2 inch "bar" at the top that is faded the color is more washed out and at times can distort whats "under" it.
not as annoying when something is in widescreen BUT if it's full screen it can get to be a pain in the ass. BUT it does still turn on and has a picture. I guess people in underdeveloped countries would love to have my tv just to have a tv right.

Ok well remember this wedding reception thing i keep saying is in a couple weeks. well it's saturday. way to write it on my calendar right.
I do not wanna go. I've been given the green light to do a fly by visit though.
go stay for a few then say i have plans and get the fuck outta dodge. I just don't want to get suckered into staying  by the kids. I know they will want me to stay cus i will sit and talk to them and stuff.
Another reason i do not wanna go is cus my mom's dad is gonna be there. My one aunt from michigan may be blowing off the whole extravaganza cus he's gonna be there. She wants nothing to do with him AT all. She really has a dislike for her dad. She's told me some of the stuff that happened and i don't blame her.
My mom was a little luckier since she was already married and out of the house by the time crap happened. After my Grandma died shit went to hell in a handbasket. Granted she died suddenly and threw EVERYONE for a loop and I can understand how that could fuck someone's life up.
But i guess to me not trying to make amends with your daughters is kinda fucked up. Choosing a piece of ass over your flesh and blood is kinda unforgivable. One of the major reasons my mom and her sisters are so close. They needed to band together and support each other.
We kept traditions  they had from when they were kids they just didn't include my grandfather. Yet our family has adopted and welcomed lots of people into our unit.
My brother's friends are welcomed like family and invited to pretty much any gathering. I've had friends and boyfriends that were welcomed that way too. That is if they can deal with lots of people and lots of talking,yelling,laughing and fun lol.

I hate the idea of doing a "fly by" cus i am usually one of the last people to leave since our gathers are so much fun. I am just not feelin this one.
Even my mom isn't feelin' this one. She's kinda dreading going.
Hard to believe one guy can bring down the whole atmosphere huh.
I kinda hope my cousin reads this post. She's 14 and just learning about some of the family drama b4 she was born. And in all honesty if she asks me I wont lie to her. I will give her at least information from MY perspective. She can always ask her Mother and maybe my aunt will tell her. Well when i was a kid i'd just listen to the adults talk (you learn a lot that way let me tell ya) Now if i want to know something about the situation I ask... after all i am an adult now lol I can make my own decisions on things esp THIS situation.
BUT... I am going to sign off for now i want to wash my face its feelin kind gross.
HAVE A GREAT FRIDAY!!

The only thing i have written about more than a few times is the drama with my mom's father.
The only reason i write about it is because he's now kinda back in the picture and we've been talking about him. Otherwise he would never be mentioned cus he hasn't been a part of our lives in a very long time.

I am at my Aunt's house dog sitting.
it's been pretty boring so far just me and the dogs staring at each other lol.
I forgot my camera so i won't have pics of them to post when i get home.
They are greyhounds. Retired racers. Leon was a winner and was used for stud until he was officially retired and adopted out. In the few months that i haven't seen him his face has gotten more white on it he really does look like an old man now lol. Dusty is only about 3 or 4 he wasn't as lucky with the racing as leon was lol so he was adopted out pretty quickly.
The shower yesterday was ok. they didn't play any games so that was good.
we got lost and got there late. the food was ok took them forever to get it out though. by the time they started presents it was almost time to leave the room since they only had it til 3pm.
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ok, I know i posted about my mom's dad and his wife a couple months ago.
well His wife passed away yesterday.
I am not really sure how to feel about all of this.
My grandpa has pretty much not been in my life for most of my life. When i was little we were always at my grandpa's and grandma's house i mean we lived a block from them.
I guess there is going to be a service for her in fla where he lives now but then he is coming up here for a service here since she's going to be buried up here.
He'll be here for a month. I am not sure if i want to go to this service for her up here. My mom isn't going to the service down in fla and only a few of my aunts and my uncle are going down. But there are a few that are quite sure about NOT going.
We are all wondering if it's right that we really don't care that this woman is dead. There was so much that this woman did that it's hard to feel anything at all for her. (i posted about her in this post not sure if anyone has read it but if you want a bit of background without my repeating myself check it out)
I mean I was a child when most of this stuff went on. But i was aware of a lot of it.
I mean my grandpa is my grandpa but he doesn't feel like my grandpa. I don't know the man. My mom doesn't even feel anything for him. He's been out of her life so long that she doesn't think about him now. Of course he's the topic of convo since now that Isabelle is dead.
But now drama may start again. My grandpa who chose not to be in our family and his wife who would cause drama and who knows what she said to him will make comments about how no one has been there for him blah blah blah. He's never taken any responsibility for the things he had done to my aunts, mom and the family yet blames everyone for not bowing down and kissing his ass because he's their dad.
I am really confused about how i feel. I mean I honestly don't feel anything. Hearing this news was kinda like hearing news about someone dying on tv. It really isnt going to impact my life in any way since He and she are and were not part of my life.
I hope people don't see me as a horrible person because of this.
I sent my cousin abbie an email about this earlier i wanted to know how she felt about it. I am really curious to how someone else who really doesn't know our grandfather feels about it. I feel like taking a poll of all of us adult cousins lol how do you feel about this?? is it going to really matter to any of us? I mean my birthday is in a week. Does he even remember that or even really who i am? I mean I am going to be 32 years old and his only memories of me are as a child. For someone who has 22 grandchildren and now 2 great grandchildren that's pretty fuckin sad.

Ok so nothing is going on in my life really but ......
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